


buried in broken dreams

by blvejay



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic), Webtoon - Fandom, webcomic - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/M, Mutual Pining, Relationship(s), Yearning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:53:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26675467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blvejay/pseuds/blvejay
Summary: Kieran had never been able to take the lashings so silently when he’d been younger— but eventually the tears had stopped falling and he had stopped crying out. Now, he had learned to bite his tongue. When no one comes to help you no matter how much noise you make, you learn to stay silent.
Relationships: Kywi - Relationship, Lauren Sinclair & Kieran White, Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White, William Hawkes & Kym Ladell, William Hawkes/Kym Ladell, lauki
Comments: 36
Kudos: 136





	1. worthless wishes

Kieran was used to the aftermath of disobeying an order. Sure, it’d been years since it’d happened, but he hadn’t always been a puppet, a mindless killer whose strings were held by even more killers. He was used to the pain searing through his back as the whip cut into his skin and he was forced to recite the oath he’d memorized as a boy. He was used to his legs giving out, falling only to be caught by the metal digging into his wrists chained above his head.

Kieran had never been able to take the lashings so silently when he’d been younger— but eventually the tears had stopped falling and he had stopped crying out. Now, he had learned to bite his tongue. When no one comes to help you no matter how much noise you make, you learn to stay silent. By the time he’d been released, Kieran almost wondered if he would ever get to leave again— if he would ever get to see her again. After all, it had been for her that Kieran had suffered. He had disobeyed orders, simply because he promised her. And for the first time in his life, he found himself thinking he would do it again. He found himself thinking he was human again. And if his back never healed, he would be perfectly fine with it. Humanities best was etched into the lines of scars.

Kieran had been sure he could feel no more pain in his life when the messenger had finally thrown him out onto the street, tumbling down in the back alley as the messenger repeated the leader’s threats, all he knew when he was finally able to get to his feet, still dripping blood, his shirt which had been haphazardly thrown back on him before he’d been tossed out the door now clung to the still-open wounds on Kieran’s back, and he knew that removing his shirt to fix the wounds would be hell. Kieran hadn’t known what he was doing when he finally stood, leaning against the wall, spitting out blood, he just knew that he couldn’t die.

Kieran had never known the Phantom Scythe to not fix the wounds of their assassins. If they were found by police, bruised and tattered and bleeding as Kieran was now, there would be no explanation that wouldn’t point back to the Messengers and in turn, the Leader. Kieran found himself wondering if perhaps they didn’t care if he did die tonight. And then he remembered he was their most valuable assassin, and he found himself wondering if instead, they’d hoped he’d get caught so they could save him. It was always this way with the Phantom Scythe, break you, and then save you in hopes that you wouldn’t remember the breaking. But Kieran remembered. Kieran always remembered.  
Kieran stumbled down the alley-way, forcing himself to stay on his feet so they couldn’t have the satisfaction of being the ones to save him. He didn’t know where he was going, but his feet were taking him there, like for once, his body knew more about how to save him then his mind.

Lauren jolted upright in bed, breathing hard as her eyes scanned back and forth across her room. There was nothing out of the ordinary, light shining into her window from the moon, lighting up the board on her walls, filled with paper and red strings. She stared at it momentarily, catching her breath. Had she had a nightmare? She couldn’t quite remember— then came the sound again, a crash that sounded like it had come from the show room. Lauren’s heart lurched, and she found the covers tossed aside and her scrambling for her gun amidst her uniform before she even registered that she was out of bed. Her hands clasped it pointedly, whirling around to stare at her door. No one ever went down to the showroom. Perhaps somebody was attempting to rob her Uncle’s fine china and gold statues Lauren cared little for. She almost debated going back to bed and allowing the poor fellows to help themselves.

But what if they weren’t robbers?

Perhaps somebody had sent an assassin after her uncle. Perhaps somebody had finally figured out one half of Lune. Her heart lurched then. What if they had figured out both parts? What if they had already gotten to Kieran, what if they hadn’t yet and she could stop them without Kieran even knowing— that was all it took to convince Lauren to swing her door carefully open, and to begin her descent down the stairs, eyes blazing back and forth as she surveyed for the source of the noise. She turned down the corridor, holding her gun securely out in front of her until she had reached the door to the showroom. She crept forward, swinging the door inward ever so slightly. Finally, she flung it open, aiming straight for the culprit, standing in the middle of the room.

She’d know those piercing eyes anywhere, staring back at her. It was Kieran. He leaned against the glass alamari, smearing blood wherever he touched. Lauren staggered backward, fighting back a gasp as panic began to fill her lungs.

“--mine,” he choked out, “It’s all mine.

”  
Lauren stared at him, lowering her gun. He was telling the truth. Lauren couldn’t help but think that was even worse, because if all that blood was his—

And then, Kieran was falling, and Lauren had dropped her gun and rushed forward to meet him before he’d hit the ground, the force nearly knocking them both down before Lauren regained her balance and drug one of his arms around her, supporting him against her side. “Didn’t know where else to go.” He sounded impossibly defeated, so much so Lauren felt as though she shouldn’t be allowed to see such a vulnerable moment. It was odd to see him this way, needing help. He had always been so entirely put together, so strong, so immovable. Lauren felt as though she were required to look away from him, like she wasn’t allowed to even think of him. Not when he was like this.

She quickly began the trip to the spare mud-room on her side of the house— or at least as quickly as she could muster while keeping the world's deadliest assassin standing. Nobody ever came to this side of the house of course, nobody except Lauren, but still Lauren did her best to keep him quiet. Enough ruckus could prompt one of the house maids to come check on her, or even worse, her uncle.

Lauren kicked the door open to the mud room, pulling them both inside, Kieran groaning against her, hardly able to hold up his head. She hadn’t even questioned if holding his arm up in such a manner had disturbed the wounds etched into his back and shoulders. He hadn’t said anything, but then again, he hadn’t said a word since he’d assured her he wasn’t a threat

.  
She drug him down onto the long bench, ordering him to lay still on his stomach and he complied, though Lauren was sure he wouldn’t have fought even if he had wanted to. His eyes were still as blue as ever, and his acute look told Lauren his mind was far from gone, but still, he didn’t have the strength.

“What happened?” Lauren called softly, dipping into the wash-chambers adjacent to the room where Kieran lay, and thrusting her hands under the now-running water. At least she knew this far away from the center of the house they were less likely to be heard, and even if they were, there was a door just there. Lauren could get him out before they were truly caught. 

“Bar fight,” Kieran groaned, dragging Lauren out of her thoughts. Lauren crouched down, tossing open the door to the cabinet under the sink as she dug for supplies to clean the wound: ultimately coming up with a rag, bandages, antiseptic and a bucket— but truthfully, that was all she needed.

“What kind of person brings a whip to a bar fight?” Lauren shoved the bucket under the faucet, filling it with warm water.

Kieran said nothing for a moment, and Lauren whirled around, fearing the worst, but Kieran was still as awake as ever, staring down at the ground, one arm wrapped up against the bench as the other dragged the ground. He said nothing. Lauren tore her gaze away from him, once more feeling as though she had seen him naked.  
She gathered her supplies, lugging them over to where Kieran lay before she righted herself and snagged a spare jacket to stuff underneath his head. “This is gonna hurt,” Lauren warned, as she knelt beside him, smoothing his hair back as he burrowed his face into the jacket. “You have to be quiet.”

Kieran said nothing, but he nodded.

Lauren mixed the rubbing alcohol and water carefully, sure to dull it down enough so as not to cause more harm than good just as she had been taught at the academy. Suddenly, she found herself grateful for the extensive wound-care she’d been taught. At least her friend wouldn’t die, surely that had made the grueling hours worthwhile.

“Did they do this to you?” Lauren asked, and she pressed the rag carefully against the marred skin on Kieran’s back, now soaked in the liquid. She didn’t have to specify who. He knew.

Kieran winced, and gripped the bench, his whole body stiffening. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lauren bit back a scoff. His first lie.

Lauren dipped her rag into the bucket, ringing it out. “Answer me.”

“Dammit woman, are you interrogating me or helping me?,” Kieran snapped back, turning his head to glower at her, far more irritated than angry. Under normal circumstances, perhaps Lauren would be afraid, but right now, he seemed far less like Adrahlis’ greatest assassin and more like a frightened puppy.

“Who did they ask you to kill?” Lauren persisted, and finally, Kieran’s head fell back against the jacket and he let out a weary sigh.

“William.”

Lauren went still, staring into the bucket as water and fresh blood mixed. Her heart clenched tightly at the thought of losing her longtime friend, and as she asked the question, she already knew the answer. “And...?”  
He let out another sigh, bringing his other arm up onto the jacket so as to lay his head against it. “Kym… and then they threw you in just to add the little cherry on top.”

Lauren dipped the rag into the bucket again, carefully cleaning the marred skin of his back, more gentle than she had been before. “You... let them do this to you?”  
Kieran scoffed, burrowing his face in his arm so that Lauren could hardly hear him. “I don’t care what they do to me. I’m not going to be a monster anymore.”

He wasn’t lying.

Lauren found herself on her knees beside him, reaching for his face gently. She said his name softly, cupping his cheek. He turned to look at her, brows knitted tightly together, but his gaze was soft, and he leaned into her touch before finally closing his eyes, breathing as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. She knew what he was thinking. It was the first time she’d touched him so gently since that night in his cave, since she’d lost trust in him forever. At least what she had thought was forever. But Kieran had promised not to hurt her or her friends ever again. And he had kept his promise— and he had suffered the consequences.

“What do you want Kieran?”

Kieran didn’t miss a beat, not opening his eyes. “I want you to stop looking at me like that.”

Another truth. Lauren didn’t have to ask how she was looking at him. She knew that the moment he entered a room her gaze dulled and she couldn’t stand to look at him without glaring. Lauren let her hand drop slowly, and she was grateful that his eyes were closed, because the last thing she wanted him to see was the tears welling in her eyes. The look that even a fool couldn’t mistake for anything less than pure gratitude.  
Lauren swallowed hard, glancing away from him as she blinked away her tears. When she spoke, her voice was steady, so much so it almost surprised herself. “On that night, your hands were around my throat, you could’ve killed me, you said so yourself, so why didn’t you?”

Kieran peered down at her, eyes so blue Lauren could drown. “No I couldn’t have. You know that.” Lauren bit her tongue to keep her breath from catching. He was telling the truth.

“Why?” She whispered again, but Kieran’s eyes were already shut again, like he couldn’t quite keep them open any longer, the exhaustion finally consuming him. He whispered the words, and it was like his hands were on her again, but not as they ever had been before— like his fingertips were gracing over her skin, callous, tender and bitter all at the same time, and full of something bigger than either of them. “You know why.”

Lauren sucked in a sharp breath, her heart thudding painfully against her rib cage. She drew herself back, and set to dressing the wounds on his back, refusing to look at him. She knew why he didn't. Something in her had always known. But Lauren left it unsaid, the same way he did.

By the time she had finished dressing his wounds, he had fallen asleep face-down on the bench, one hand hanging beneath him. Lauren swallowed hard, and she carefully took his hand in hers, both of them blood-stained, like a reminder of their promise to one another all those months ago. She had known from the very instant she had cut her palm this was going to be complicated. She had never imagined this unspoken complication would escalate to this. Finally, sure that Kieran was out cold, Lauren let the tears stream down her face, the fear of losing those she loved consuming her, pushing a lump up into her throat. And for the first time, she found herself acknowledging Kieran on that list. Not because he was her only chance of survival or a means to an end, but because she loved him.

Kieran woke, for the first time in a long time, to the feeling of someone holding his hand, and sunlight on his face. Kieran peeled his eyes open, swallowing over the dryness in his throat, his lips grading together like sandpaper. He glanced down to his hand, only to find Lauren’s hand in his, her curled up against the bench like a cat, head resting against the wood as she slept. Kieran’s heart dropped as it all came rushing back to him.

Lauren. The one person he had fought to protect he had run right to. Kieran cursed under his breath as he carefully pulled his hand out of hers, sure not to wake her as he painfully righted himself, ignoring the tearing skin at his back. He couldn’t have been any more foolish. He could’ve handled the injuries well enough on his own, instead, he’d ran to her like a little boy.  
He drew a sharp breath, cursing the pain that shot through his upper arm as he sat himself up on the bench. Instead he had put her in danger. They could have sent someone to follow him, to see where he went. He was sure they had suspected Kieran’s soft spot for her, but if anyone had seen where he went, they would know for sure.

Kieran swung his legs up on the bench so he was sitting up properly, this time, cursing allowed. Finally, he moved to stand. Something caught his hand, and Kieran’s head jerked down only to find Lauren staring up at him, still on the ground, lips parted and eyes filled with terror, his short breath stirring the hair around her face. “Kieran, don’t go,” she whispered, and Kieran’s heart lurched, and he found himself wishing he was never the Purple Hyacinth. He wished he was a humble artist living a humble life who had found a police officer in a cafe he frequented and had befriended her that way. She continued, “Nobody ever comes down to this part of the house, you can stay— and— and rest, and—”

Kieran pulled his hand out of hers bitterly. But Kieran wasn’t a humble artist. His hands were scarred from murder and his back scarred from the lack thereof. And he would never be the man who met a police officer in a cafe by chance. He would always be the man who had been ordered to kill her. He would always be the Purple Hyacinth, and no matter how hard he wished, he could never outrun those blood stained flowers. Kieran turned, and he stumbled out the door, leaving her behind him.


	2. ugliest of the unspoken

Numbness was not a new feeling to Lauren. She’d become accustomed to it at a young age, and it had only become more frequent the older she got. The moment Kieran left, it was numbness that consumed her. Numbness that dragged her to her feet and drew her to the bathroom and started the shower. It was numbness that dressed her and dragged her to work and numbness that sat her at her desk and began work. She found herself wishing Kieran would have gotten himself into trouble on a weekend rather than on a Sunday night. 

Everything was the same. Lukas scowled, Lila cheerfully passed out coffees, Kym and William bickered over nothing in particular— but Kieran’s spot was empty. And so was Lauren. She was used to sleepless nights, but she had also become used to his presence in the office. Not having him there was a cruel ache. She hadn’t realized just how lucky she was until she realized she really could lose him. 

“Lauren!” Kym called the moment she set eyes on her, making her way over to Lauren, leaning casually against her desk as Lauren peered up at her, “Hey, did you hear about Kieran?”

Lauren’s heart jerked in her chest, but she bit it back, and sat up a little taller, drawing in a deep breath. “Kieran?” She repeated, afraid that if she said more she wouldn’t be able to keep from saying it all. Kym didn’t deserve that. Lauren couldn’t burden her with the truth. 

“He called in sick,” Kym said simply, raising a brow as if she could see right through Lauren and into last night. 

Lauren cleared her throat, shaking the thought from her mind as she spoke, turning to shuffle through paperwork in hopes that the desperation and exhaustion wouldn’t show on her face. “Oh, yeah. I was up with him all night, he’s not feeling the best.” At least that was the truth. Lauren hated lying to her friends. She hated all of this. All but him, her mind seemed to taunt, and Lauren bit her cheek to shove the thought away. 

The moment the words rolled off Lauren’s tongue, Kym waggled her eyebrows at Lauren as she donned her signature cheeky grin. “Oh I’m sure you were.”

Lauren wasn’t sure why, but the words set her heart ablaze. How dare Kym make light of something so serious, how dare she laugh when Kieran had been twisted up in her arms begging her to stop looking at him like she hated him mere hours ago. How dare she laugh when Lauren had been terrified that Kieran, mutated and covered in blood, was going to be the last she ever saw of him. 

“Yeah,” Lauren snapped, “I was.” She regretted the words the moment they fell off her lips, simple, but far too sharp, and enough to make Kym’s smile drop and her brow knit together. To anyone else, it would’ve been fine. But Kym knew Lauren far too well. 

Kym’s hand dropped from Lauren’s desk and she rubbed her lips together, nodding to Lauren once. “Well, uh… let him know we’re missing him at the precinct.”

Apologize, her mind practically screamed, but she ignored it, and simply nodded back to her. “I will,” she said, knowing she was lying again. Even if she could find her way back to Kieran’s apartment safely, there was no telling if he would be there. Maybe the Phantom Scythe had already come after him again. The thought made Lauren’s heart clench, and she quickly turned to her paperwork to drown out the noise in her head. Kieran would be fine. She stared down into her hands, still able to imagine his blood on them, staining her red. 

He would heal, find the people that hurt him and slit their throats before he returned to her and came back to work and everything went back to normal. Lauren drew a shaky breath, tearing her attention from her hands as she began sifting through the paperwork at her desk without truly registering any of it. Everything would go back to normal.

Lauren hadn’t realized how prominent Kieran had become in their precinct until he was gone. Everything went back to normal. The old normal. The quiet normal without him and without the tension and the chaos. The moment he had joined the precinct Lauren had wished for this quiet sense of tranquility back. She had practically prayed for it, and it had been a long time since Lauren had prayed. But now, she would do anything to guarantee he’d be coming back. 

Lauren had brought Kym coffee every morning, a wordless sort of apology that Kym seemed to accept. She didn’t bring up Kieran again, save to ask how he was doing, and Lauren would smile and lie. “Better!,” she said optimistically, but she was terrified that she could possibly be lying. What if he was worse? What if he needed her? What if— but she fought those thoughts back and simply smiled. Simply hoped she was right. 

William looked at her with eyes full of pity to which she’d scoff and reply, “It’s only a cold, he’ll be back soon.”

Lila would offer Lauren hugs and smile at her every chance she got. Even Lukas seemed to share a shred of sympathy. 

A full week was a long time to not know if someone you cared for was coming back. A long time to go without a full night’s rest, not knowing if he was okay. 

A long time to miss somebody. 

Lauren strolled into work, heading straight for the coffee machine. She wondered if the sleepless hours showed on her face, in her slumped shoulders and shaky hands. She filled a mug silently, not minding the quiet murmurs behind her as she turned and headed for her desk. 

“What?“ a familiar voice said, ”You’re not even going to come say hi?”

Lauren paused, her back still turned as she drew in a deep breath, setting her coffee down on a desk, not caring who it belonged to before she carefully turned around. 

Her eyes landed on him, the color back in his cheeks, the cocky grin she had come to despise now filling her heart to the brim, his bright blue eyes locked on hers, hair swept back save the few strands that fell around to frame his face perfectly. He stood with Kym and William, clearly having just been speaking with them. ”I’m hurt, officer, I really thought you would have missed me more,” his face held a look of coy arrogance, but there was a gentle look in his eyes that seemed to say, it’s okay now, I’m okay. 

Lauren moved forward, hopelessly attempting to mask the desperation in her face. It was just a cold, she reminded herself, but she couldn’t convince her mind to remember such a thing. It was a cold to everyone else, but Lauren knew the truth, Lauren knew the blood and the desperation and the fear. 

“You’re back,” Lauren whispered breathlessly, wondering if the week’s worth of sleepless nights showed underneath her eyes. Kieran laughed, raising a brow at her and pulling her into a hug as if it were the most casual thing in the world, but his hands were light against her, and he only used one hand, allowing her an escape if she should choose it. “Please, Lauren it was just a cold—” 

Lauren wrapped both under his arms, gripping his shoulders so as to avoid his back entirely, burying her face into the crook of his neck, sighing against him. He tensed, like he couldn’t quite believe she was holding him. Hesitantly, his hands came around her, and then he was holding her as if she were all in the world that kept him together. “You scared me,” Lauren whispered, only meant for him to hear. 

“I know,” he whispered back, all sarcasm and arrogance dropped from his voice the way he only let Lauren hear, his hands buried in the fabric of her shirt, tucking his head against hers. “I’m sorry.” 

Lauren knew everyone was staring, she didn’t care. He was here. Safe, healthy, warm and alive in her arms. “Are you okay?”

“Im fine—” he started, a lie, and Lauren glanced sharply up at him, “—for the most part.” She relaxed ever so slightly. She could accept for the most part. 

They pulled away gently, but Kieran didn’t take his hands off her quite yet, moving down to hold her at the arms, letting his eyes run up and down her like he couldn’t quite believe she was real. Lauren swallowed hard, unable to tear her eyes from his. 

Kym cleared her throat, drawing them both from their trance. She was grinning coyly at them, leaning over towards William who was painfully attempting to mind his own business and let out a chuckle, raising her coffee cup and speaking loudly into her mug. “All they did was hug and I felt like I was watching porn.” William elbowed her in the side, and Kym only bit back her coffee, trying not to spit into her mug. 

Kieran and Lauren pulled back awkwardly, chuckling, for the first time since that night in the cave, it was genuine. “Now, why don’t the two of you get to work?” William teased fondly, possibly the most relaxed he’d been in days. 

Kym piped up cheerfully beside him, “I’m sure the filing room is empty if you’d rather not!--” William wrapped an arm around Kym’s neck, dragging her back to her desk as she laughed and squirmed in his grasp. 

Lauren dropped her voice again as she turned back to him, “Are you really okay—”

He didn’t let her finish, “Meet me in the filing rooms, we can talk there.”

Lauren nodded pointedly, dropping it before she could push him too far. “I’m glad you’re back.”  
Kieran drew in a sharp breath. 

She glanced back to him again, and then she pulled away, making her way to her desk, picking up her discarded coffee as she went. 

Half an hour passed excruciatingly slowly, but if Lauren were to sneak away unnoticed, she couldn’t follow Kieran right away. Kym had teased her relentlessly, and Lauren couldn’t slip away until she was sure Kym was getting properly scolded by Will for some thing or another. After nearly an eternity, Lauren grabbed her empty mug and headed for the coffee station. 

She set down her mug, glancing around to be sure no one was looking, and then she was slipping into the filing room, and closing the door securely behind her. 

Kieran didn’t even look up, “Took you long enough,” he said simply, sifting through files. 

Lauren’s hand lingered on the door, eyes glued to him, allowing this version of him to fill her mind. All she had been able to see for a week was his blood, staining her floor and hands. “Promise you won’t let it happen again.”

Kieran faltered, and then he sighed, not bothering to push the hair out of his face. “I shouldn’t have gone to you. It was wrong to make you see me like that—“

Lauren dropped her hand, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m not talking about that, you idiot. Don’t let them hurt you again.”

Kieran chuckled, glancing down and then back over to her before he grabbed more files and continued to properly place them. “Don’t you worry your pretty little heart about me, officer.”

Lauren moved across the room, catching him firmly by the wrist. “Don’t you dare.”

Kieran glanced over to her, brows knitted tightly, but Lauren didn’t budge. “Don’t you dare act so casual with me. Don’t you dare act like we can go back to normal.”

Kieran choked on a scoff, shrugging off her touch as he continued. “Were we ever really normal?”

“Don’t let them hurt you again.”

“What am I supposed to do? Let them hurt you?”

“We can... we can take them,” Lauren said softly, hopefully thought she knew it was nothing more than a stupid childish wish, “Together.”

Kieran scoffed again. “Us? A whole crime organization?”

Lauren‘s brow furrowed, “You’re the—“

Kierans head snapped around as he shoved her back into the bookcase, causing the files to shake against one another. “Not here.”

She canted her head to either side, sure they were alone, pressed almost chest to chest. “You’re the Purple Hyacinth,” she whispered, loud enough for only them to hear. 

Kieran gazed down at her with glazed over eyes, a sorrow hidden deep within them. “I’m still only one man.”

“Meet me tonight on the bridge,” he said softly, “There’s some… personal business we should take care of.” Kieran didn’t have to specify which bridge, it was evident enough to Lauren. They had met there a dozen times. 

Lauren reached forward, touching the side of his face softly. “I don’t want them to hurt you again.”

Kieran stared at her for a moment and then he offered her a close-lipped smile, nodding his head. “We’ll see what we can do.”

Lauren nodded, and she dropped her hand, tearing her gaze away from him. 

“You better get back before they realize you’re gone.”

Lauren nodded, and she turned back to him one more time. “I’ll see you tonight.” 

He nodded to her, their gaze locked over the hundreds of files and bookcases that lined the walls up to the ceiling. She still couldn’t stand the thought of walking away. Tonight, she reminded herself, and then she had reached for the door handle and quickly let herself out before she could lose the courage. 

Immediately, Kym’s eyes met hers over the office, and Lauren let out an exasperated sigh despite the soft smile on her face. Here we go again. 

Lauren suffered through relentless hours of Kym’s teasing, Will ordering her back to work several times before he finally willed to grab her and drag her back to her desk while she bickered against him who only fondly shook his head at her. 

Lauren was almost sad to see her go, because the moment she had, Lauren could hardly tear her thoughts away from Kieran. She wanted to see his back desperately. To see if it had truly healed the way he said. She was half tempted to strip him of his shirt right there in the filing room, to make him show her the marks and see if there was any way she could help heal him faster, but she knew if they were caught like that, they’d never hear the end of it. And there would be no way to explain the marks on his back without raising suspicion. 

Now, Lauren and Kieran stood side by side on the bridge— their bridge she wanted to joke, and nudge him and have him laugh and let them relax, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words over the tightness in her throat. This was their bridge. The bridge they’d made their deal on, the bridge they’d met dozens of times, here, under the moon where Lune had met and befriended one another and it was under the moon and far away from this bridge where Lune had fallen apart. But here, on the bridge again, it almost felt like healing. Almost felt like things were going back to how they were supposed to be. 

The wind blew softly, causing Lauren to lean closer toward Kieran. She hoped he knew what it meant. I trust you. I’m sorry. I wish I could do more— But she was just leaning closer to him, and nobody could understand that much out of arms brushing. Yet, still, he relaxed, and he let out a soft breath, and Lauren could see it in the frosted air as much as she could feel it. 

Lauren could stay here forever. It was the first sense of peace she’d felt in weeks, and the first time she’d felt comfortable around him in months. But Lauren knew it was impossible, to simply freeze the world and stay beside him watching the water under the bridge forever. 

Finally, Lauren sighed. “What was this personal business you were talking about?”

Kieran crossed one arm over on the balcony, allowing his head to rest on it as his other arm draped over the open water. “I’m afraid I must come up short handed on our deal.”

Lauren leaned forward ever so slightly, allowing her to see his face. “What do you mean?”

He turned his head to the side, eyeing her for a moment before he let out a single breath of amusement, like he couldn’t believe the words he was saying any more than she could. “I mean I’m letting you out of the deal. What more is there to say?”

Lauren swallowed hard. She had broken their deal off months ago, but still, they had found their way back to one another, unlikely allies once again. They needed one another. That much was clear. 

“This—” he gestured between them before letting his hand fall, shrugging it into his pocket. “This is done.” 

“No,” Lauren said sharply, “it’s not. We’ve still got work to do.”

Kieran drew a short breath, and then he had pushed off the bridge, drawn his coat around him, and had turned away from her

“Don’t you dare just turn around and walk away! What are you talking about?” 

He paused, glancing back at her over his shoulder. “You heard me, Lauren. Don’t pretend you don’t understand—”

“Why?” She snapped, “How is this fair?”

Kieran stabbed his finger toward the ground, I told you from the beginning that I don’t do things fairly.”

“What about me?“ Lauren said, praying he would see reason. But when Kieran set his mind to something, there was little you could do to deter him. “What about my choice?--”

“I chose for you.” 

Lauren huffed, crossing her arms again. She wished he weren’t as stubborn as she was. 

“And what about everyone else? What about everyone who is relying on Lune? What about Ardhalis? What about the whole world? Who knows what the Phantom Scythe will do if they get away with this? If they take Adrhalis they’ll never stop!—”

Kieran whirled around to face her, his jacket flurrying around him. “I don’t care about the whole world, Lauren,” he said, and Lauren knew it was true. “I only care about you.” 

Lauren said nothing for a moment, staring at him across the space they had created between each other. “And what about you? They won’t just let you go if you don’t kill who they ask you to--”

“Tell me to,” he corrected, “There is no asking about it.”

Lauren didn’t budge, choking back her tears. “They’ll kill you,” she whispered, eyes glued to him. He simply stared back at her, heavy breath stirring the hair that fell down around his face. They said nothing for a moment, eyes locked over the space between them. 

Then, he tore his gaze from her’s, “So be it—”

“No,” Lauren said sharply, marching forward. “No, you don’t get to be the one who gets out of this easy. You don’t get to do that to me.”

He whirled on her, punctuating each word with the flourish of his hands. “I can’t let you die.” 

Lauren had always adored how he spoke with her hands, how when the emotions were too much and his eyes were too bright and he couldn’t handle it he had to move his body somehow. “My orders were to find and kill Lune. They’re going to find us Lauren, they want us gone—”

Lauren shook her head. “People need us!”

He threw his hands out, “And I need you alive!”

Lauren crossed her arms firmly over her chest, taking a step back. “Why? Why is me surviving this more important than thousands of lives?--”

“Because I love you, Lauren!”

Lauren didn’t even flinch when the words spilled off of his lips. She didn’t show the way her heart jumped or that her legs were trembling or that her mind immediately began racing to check that he had truly said such a thing and that this wasn’t some sick twisted dream.

Kieran had begun to pace back and forth, raking his hands through his hair. 

“No,” Lauren said simply, “Take it back.”

“I can’t,” he said shortly, pausing to glance sidelong at her. “I cant stand this unspoken thing between us. I can’t do it anymore. So just say how you feel plainly and we can be done with it.”

How she felt? Lauren didn’t know an ounce of what she felt. She hadn’t been able to stand the sight of him for months. Simply the thought of him had made her shake. She had been terrified of him, and then she’d hated him, and then he’d been in her arms covered in blood and the thought of losing him drove her to tears. She found herself wondering which she hated more. Him, or the fact that she could never have him properly. They would never be allowed to wear rings that bound Lune together by law. They would never be allowed to share a home or live in peace. If there was one thing Lauren had learned from the night he’d stumbled into her house, it was that they’d be lucky if Kieran even survived this war at all. 

Perhaps that was what finally made the tears bubble over her eyes as she whirled around to face him again. The knowledge that he was saying this as if it were goodbye. He was saying goodbye. 

Kieran shook his head, staring at the ground as he chuckled humorlessly. “You know, better yet, don’t say it at all.”

Something in Lauren could almost understand what he was trying to say simply by looking into his eyes. Let me imagine that you could love me too.

Lauren swallowed hard, hardly able to force the words out. “Take it back.”

“Fine,” he said just as simply, “I take it back.”

Lauren’s breath caught in her throat, and she clenched her jaw, refusing to let out the sob rising in the back of her chest. For the first time in a week, Kieran had lied to her. 

Lauren staggered back, gripping the bridge for support. “Why? Why now? Why me? Why us? This doesn’t have to be complicated—“

Kieran took a step forward, his brow knitted tightly as he extended his hand toward her, almost as if he was asking her to grab it without being willing to do it himself. “But it’s me and you, Lauren. We’ll find a way to make it complicated. It’s what we do.”

She could hardly get the words out, could hardly breathe over the tightness in her chest. “That isn’t fair, Kieran. It isn’t fair at all—“ 

“Lauren, hush,” he said firmly, and Lauren’s eyes narrowed towards him. 

“Excuse me?—“

He pressed his finger to her lips, raising one to her own as he shushed her again. “Listen,” he whispered.

Lauren relaxed slightly, staring up at him as his eyes scanned back and forth. And then Kieran was shoving her behind him and the sound of blades rang out. 

Kieran lunged forward past her, his blades springing into his hands, his sword clashing with the man clad in black. And then Lauren was at his back almost instinctively, defending him as surely as he defended her. He wrenched the man’s blade from his fingers with his own, driving his blade home through his stomach.

Of course this would happen today. Even the day he confessed couldn’t be peaceful. Could they not have waited just a few moments more? 

He spun, blades flying out before him as he brought each crashing blow down, he thrusted the blade forward, slashing another attackers throat before they even had a moment to comprehend the blow. 

Kieran whirled as his blade collided with that of another’s, checking Lauren over his shoulder before he severed the man’s head and continued his fight. Kieran couldn’t help but wonder if this was the Phantom Scythes doing. He thought they knew him better than that. They should have sent more, Kieran stood over the men, breathing hard, a blade in either hand, dripping with red. He didn’t have the flowers on him. He couldn’t even say sorry. But he didn’t regret it. As long as Lauren was safe—

“Easy, Tiger,” a familiar voice crooned, and Kieran froze, his heart dropping to his stomach. Carefully, he turned around, greated with the sight of the pink haired assassin. Belladonna. She wrenched Lauren’s head back, a hand in a fistful of hair and the other with a blade to her throat, forcing Lauren down to her knees in front of her. She leaned over Lauren, dropping her voice, but her gaze remained on Kieran. “I’ve been known to have shaky hands.”

Lauren didn’t budge, head forced up and neck exposed, her hands restrained behind her back. Belladonna had always been far better at tying rope than he had. Lauren drew sharp, shaking breaths, but she kept herself calm. No average onlooker would even be able to see the fear in her eyes. But Kieran wasn’t an average onlooker, and he had seen that fear before, staring down the barrel of her gun in the precinct bathroom. And he could see it now. 

“It was a simple order, really,” Belladonna continued, “get the idiots at the precinct out of the way, find and kill Lune. Job done.” She shrugged calmly, and then yanked Lauren’s head back further, causing Lauren to gasp and Kieran nearly lunged forward before he could restrain himself, Belladonna pressing the blade firmly against her throat. “Too bad you failed it.”

“What happened to the poison?” Kieran taunted, “I thought that was your forte.”

She laughed, peering down sideways at Lauren. “Why would I poison her when I could slit her throat in front of you instead?”

Kieran tensed, forcing himself to steady his breathing, to not look down at her. He couldn’t let her see how this got to him. “Let her go,” he said calmly, “We can talk about this—“

“Let her go?” She laughed loudly, pulling at Lauren’s hair. “If I kill her, I kill one your of the precinct idiots and half of Lune in one go.”

“If you kill me you get the same deal.”

“No!” Lauren cried out, and Belladonna wrenched her head back forcing a straggled noise from her throat and Kieran’s fist clenched sharply around the hilt of his blade, his knuckles turning white. 

“A trade,” Kieran proposed, “Her for me.”

She glanced back up to Kieran, and nodded to his blades. “Drop them. Now.”

Kieran hadn’t even blinked and his blades were clattering against the ground, his hands out before him carefully. 

“All of them,” she hissed. Carefully, Kieran reached into his jacket, removing them one at a time and dropping them to the ground before he finally dropped his jacket again. 

“I said all,” she dug the blade forward into Lauren’s throat, enough that Kieran could see blood beading up at the edges of it. His heart lurched, and he held his hand before him again, reaching down slowly to removed the single dagger in his boot, kicking it towards her. 

Finally, she smiled. “Good.”

“Let her go,” Kieran said softly, and Belladonna’s smile only grew. 

“You can have me,” he said again, regarding her with the sincerest look he could manage. “I swear it to you, let her go and I’m yours. I won’t fight you. You can do with me what you please.”

Lauren called out his name, raw with distress, and Kieran shushed her harshly. He couldn’t do this if she were calling for him. Couldn’t pull this off if she were there to distract him. But she knew as sure as he did, he wasn’t lying. 

“On your knees,” Belladonna ordered, and slowly, Kieran did as told, folding his legs beneath him, arms still up. 

Carefully, Belladonna’s hand dropped Lauren’s head, and she gasped, her hands still tied behind her. “Kieran, no!” 

Belladonna stalked over to Kieran, laughing as she went. “You know, I had planned to slit her throat first. Make you watch. But I get the feeling even that would not break you.”

Kieran said nothing, staring down at the ground in front of him. He tried not to remember her words, the anger towards him for wanting to be the one to die first. He had tried his hardest to become a better man, but all the purple apologies in the world could not change the fact that he was selfish. He could not bear a world without her, not after he had lived in one with her. 

Belladonna picked up one of Kieran’s own blades, wiping the blood off of it on her sleeve. “I think listening to her broken heart will be much more fulfilling than whatever kind of reaction you could give me.”

Kieran glanced up to her, unable to hear anything but Lauren’s ragged breathing. His gaze dropped once again, and Kieran closed his eyes. Not a moment later, Belladonna was swinging. And Kieran found that he wasn’t ready. Not like this. Not in front of her, but the sword was coming down and Kieran knew he couldn’t stop it. At least he had gotten to say it. Even if she could never forgive him, even if she would hate him until the end of her days, at least she would know it had all been for her. At least he had gotten to say it. I love you, Lauren. — and then the sound of gun gunshot rang out, and the familiar feeling of hot blood seared down his face. Kieran didn’t budge, staring at Belladonna as she went limp, and then dropped to the ground, blood pooling beneath her from where the bullet lodged, pink hair now stained crimson. And as she fell, she revealed Lauren, standing on the other side, her gun raised, covered in blood. It hadn’t been a clean shot. 

“Lauren.” Kierans' voice was raw, and desperate, and he knew it.

Lauren didn’t budge at the sound of her name, and Kieran said it again. Lauren’s gaze was trained to Belladonna, dead in front of her. Kieran was on his feet in an instant, rushing past his past fellow accomplice, now dead at his feet. And then Lauren’s gun had clattered to the ground and she was staggering back, no quicker than Kieran rushing towards her. He obscured her sight quickly, and she fell into his chest, hands clutching at the fabric at the front of his shirt. She wasn't crying. She was simply staring at the ground, her head tucked against his chest. “ -- not mine,” she choked out, “It’s not mine.” 

Kieran hoisted Lauren up into his arms, and she clung to him tightly, burying her face in his neck. “How dare you,” she whispered bitterly, tears welling up in her eyes. “How dare you.”

Kieran said nothing else, holding her tight against him. He rushed past Belladonna, kicking his swords off the bridge and willing himself to come find them later. And then, Kieran was carrying her to safety as fast as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this entire thing in six hours on my P H O N E. hand cramps galore😁 one chapter left!! I hope you enjoyed and once again feel free to follow me on Twitter @/blvexjay if you would like to chat!  
> Thank you for reading!!


	3. least of the lies

Lauren had always hated being carried. Even when she was young it made her uncomfortable. She wasn’t in control, and there was nothing that Lauren hated more than relinquishing her own control. 

But right now, she was grateful for Kieran, keeping her off the ground. She knew if he set her down, she wouldn’t be able to stay on her feet. 

She clung fervently to his neck, her face buried against him. Her whole body had begun to shake, and they both knew it wasn’t just from the cold. 

Lauren couldn’t tell how long it had been, but soon the passing back alleys had blurred into the sight of a warm apartment, and Lauren was being settled down on a chair. Her hands were shaking, and her eyes wouldn't quite focus. She had seen the signs hundreds of times in other people— shock, but to actually feel it, the floor swaying under her, the cold she simply couldn’t shake even as Kieran wrapped blanket after blanket around her shoulders and stocked the fire, that was a different story. 

Kieran stooped down, a wet rag in hand and he reached forward gently for her hands, taking them carefully when Lauren didn’t pull away. He wiped what blood he could from her, when his eyes landed on her neck. Lauren knew it was bleeding, that the woman had dug the blade far enough into her to make thin streams of blood dribble down into the divot of her collarbone, but Kieran didn’t reach for it as confidently as he had for her hands. 

His eyes met hers, and then fell to her neck again before Lauren finally nodded. She knew what he was thinking without him having to voice it, because she was thinking it too. Last time his hands were around her neck, he had nearly killed her, and yet when he reached forward, Lauren didn’t flinch. His hands were steady, bringing the rag up to wipe the blood from the tender skin on her neck. He was far more gentle than Lauren had even thought possible, his fingertips gracing lightly across her skin as he smoothed her hair back. 

She presumed she might have had chills on any normal day, might have shuddered under his touch and gaze, might have recalled his desperate face and voice on that bridge as he rushed forward to scoop her up into his arms, but all Lauren could see right now was red. Lauren caught his hand sharply, and Kieran flinched back, like a stray cat caught in an alley, ready to bolt. But Lauren held his wrist firmly. He stared up at her, brows knit together and fear welling in his eyes. Finally, Lauren shoved him back, pulling herself to her feet. She expected to topple over, but her anger was enough fuel to overpower her previously-shaky legs. “How dare you,” she hissed, and she marched forward, stabbing her finger sharply into his chest. “How dare you give yourself up like that!”

Kieran caught her by the wrists this time when she reached forward to shove him, moving out of her line of fire. “I told you I was selfish.”

Lauren ripped her hands back from him, finally willing the tears to fall as she remembered it all. The sensation nearly knocked her over, the sight of him on the ground, on his knees, the blade coming down. Lauren knew only one thing when she pulled that trigger. She didn’t know if she loved him. Of course, there were always the fantasies, the thoughts of a perfect life where they could love one another properly, live far away from this chaos, start anew, but Lauren didn’t know if she truly loved him. Maybe she would never know. But she couldn’t let him die without knowing. She couldn’t let him die. 

And when the shot rang out, and her gun clattered to the ground, one final thought entered her mind. Ah, so this is love. And then her body went numb and the only thing flooding her senses was him as he scooped her up in his embrace and carried her away. 

“I don’t regret it,” he whispered softly, “I wasn’t going to let her kill you.”

Lauren whirled back around, facing him properly. “She would have done it anyway! She would have killed you and then me, she would have done it anyway--”

“But she didn’t,” he whispered, and a small smile teased at the corners of his mouth. “I know you Lauren, I know how clever you are, I knew if I just gave you more time that you could figure something out—”

Lauren staggered backward, falling back against the countertop she had rested against previously, bracing herself, because the anger had left and now the panic and desperation had returned. She swallowed hard, glancing up to him shortly. “You were expecting me to do that?” Lauren hadn’t even expected herself to do that. It had been a split second decision, more muscle memory from the hours she’d spent at the training facility firing rounds with Kym then a conscious decision. Did Kieran really know her better than she knew herself?

Kieran sighed, raking a hand through his loose hair, not quite looking at her, shrugging sheepishly. “I mean… I wasn’t expecting… that persay, but you’re clever enough I knew you’d find a way out.”

Lauren stared at him, unable to tear her gaze away from him, and then he finally looked up to her. And then Lauren was staggering forward and pulling him into a hug. 

It was nothing like the hug in the precinct, no ounce of hesitation, no eyes glued to them, no pressure to keep it short, and so they didn’t. Kieran pulled her tightly against him, entirely enveloping her in his embrace. Her hands balled into fists in his shirt, her head tucked tightly against his collarbone, breathing him in, feeling his heart beating against her. It was the same sensation as before, the knowledge that he was alive and he was okay and they would be okay. He was breathing. That was more than Lauren had even dared to hope for. They pulled apart lightly, eyes locked over the small space they had created between them.

And then, Kieran cleared his throat pointedly, taking a step back before he whirled around, disappearing into a room on the side. “There’s a shower just through there,” Kieran called softly, gesturing to a door as he reappeared, producing a fresh pair of clothes, turning back around. “Go wash up. It’ll make you feel better, I promise.”

Lauren nodded carefully as she took the clothing from him, hands brushing under the fabric. She was still wobbly, her knees still weak, but she managed to the door. It was only when she’d made it that Kieran’s voice met her once again.

“Do you… do you need help—”

Lauren managed a smile, eyeing him over her shoulder. “You aren’t that lucky, White.”

Kieran let out a strangled chuckle, his ears tinged red as he scratched the back of his neck and then Lauren had slipped behind the door, locking it behind her. It was a modest room, one Lauren could hardly take in over the numb sensation flooding her body. Lauren moved forward, cranking the shower to hot before she moved to pull off her clothing. She paused when she caught sight of herself in the mirror. She was a disheveled mess, her clothing rumpled and stained with blood. The sight of it sent chills up her spine, and she tore her gaze from her reflection, quickly pulling her clothes off and discarding them on the bathroom floor. 

She stepped into the shower, willing herself to stay standing. The water covered her immediately, the first thing that truly rid her of the cold since she had taken the shot. The familiar sound of music wafted under the doorway as a record was set on, mixing with the noise of the shower. She hadn’t taken Kieran for a jazz man, but somehow, now that she heard it, it fit. For a man that killed for a living, he had softer taste than Lauren imagined. 

Lauren watched the blood mingle with the water, dripping off her body, swirling around before finally disappearing down the drain. She couldn’t help but wonder just how much blood had gone down this very drain before. She found that it didn’t scare her anymore. It was just spilt blood, blood that was now on her hands and she held them out before her, watching as the water washed her clean, almost as if the blood were no longer on her, she could pretend it had never happened. Somehow, the thought of it didn’t scare her anymore. The thought that she was a murderer, too. 

She had done it for him. And she wouldn’t take it back even if she could. 

She couldn’t be sure how much time had passed, the sound of soft jazz blurring together from one song to the next, but Kieran had been right. By the time she turned the water off, she did feel better. 

Lauren stepped out of the shower, toweling off quickly before she pulled on the clothes Kieran had given her. The clothing was white. The color of innocence. Lauren didn’t feel innocent, she wasn’t innocent, but she supposed that was nothing new. She had killed people before, killed her parents when she couldn’t stop the driver, killed Dylan when she couldn’t stop the bomb. But now, she had done it for real. And this time, she’d killed to protect. Lauren glanced up at herself in the mirror, and for the first time, she didn’t regret it.

Lauren pulled the door open, greeted with the sight of Kieran, braced against the counter, a mug in his hand. He cleared his throat when she moved forward, straightening as he shoved another mug across the counter toward her. Lauren took it carefully, much more steady than she had been before. “Tea,” he said shortly, “it… helps.”

Lauren stared down into the drink, both hands clasped around the warm mug. “Do you… do this every time? After—”

“Yeah,” he said before she even got the chance to finish, glancing away from her shortly. He set his mug down, signalling not to push further, and Lauren didn’t, sipping on her tea. 

“I should… probably go shower.”

Lauren glanced back up to him, hair pulled back, the pieces that were too short to fit falling around to frame his face, dried blood still on his clothes. Lauren nodded shortly. This certainly wasn’t his first time. He didn’t even baulk at the sight of blood, but she could tell he didn’t like the sight of it on him anymore than she did. Lauren nodded shortly, and Kieran spared her a soft smile.

“There’s more tea, should you want it.” He gestured to the teapot on the stove, before crossing his arms again, “Make yourself at home.”

“I’m sorry, I probably took all the hot water—“

Kieran scoffed, not allowing her to finish before he raised a hand, silencing her. “A cold shower hasn’t killed me yet.”

Lauren nodded, and then he kicked off the counter and moved passed her toward the bathroom. He brushed against her as he went, and Lauren closed her eyes, relishing in his touch before he was gone again and the bathroom door was shut. 

Lauren let out a heavy sign, the sound of soft jazz wafting from the record player in the other room. The thought of him covered in blood used to terrify Lauren. The thought of how many people he had killed, how many lives had been taken by those hands. Now, it terrified her even more. Because the last time she had seen him covered in blood she was sure he would die.

Lauren set her mug on the counter pointedly. There was something she had to do. 

Lauren padded over to the bathroom door, and reached forward knocking lightly against the wood.

Kieran’s voice instantly greeted her through the door, “Are you so eager to join me, Officer?”

Lauren smiled lightly to herself. She had missed the quick jokes from Kieran, missed this comfortable lightheartedness. She couldn’t deny that she was still plagued with paranoia, but she knew that that too would fade with time. “Let me in, Kieran.”

Lauren could almost imagine his face turning red on the other side of the door, his cocky arrogance falling as she persisted. He stammered something out that Lauren couldn’t quite hear, a short quip Lauren was sure, but she only leaned forward.

“Relax,” she said softly, “I just want to see your back.”

This only seemed to panic Kieran more, and Lauren couldn’t help but remember the way he’d looked at her when he’d said that she knew why he didn’t kill her. The look in his eyes that had made Lauren turn away. She had known why, but everything felt different now that he’d confirmed it. He loved her.

Lauren leaned back against the door with a sigh, sure that he wouldn’t open it, and then, the sound of footsteps greeted Lauren’s ear and she could feel him, pressed against the other side of the door. Lauren turned, leaning her forehead against the cool wood. “It isn’t pretty,” he warned simply, and Lauren nodded, despite knowing he couldn’t see her. And after a moment of silence, Kieran pulled the door open. 

He stood in his plain trousers, and a white button down, though the shirt was unbuttoned, and Lauren couldn’t keep her eyes from roaming. She had always known Kieran was beautiful, since the night they’d met she’d known it. A fact easier to ignore while wishing he was dead, but still an undeniable fact. Lauren’s gaze snapped up to his face once again, warranting a smirk from Kieran. “If you’re done ogling—” 

Lauren smacked him in the arm, reaching forward and peeling his shirt off of him as she turned him around carefully. Kieran drew a sharp breath as the shirt fluttered to the ground, and Lauren’s joking demeanor fell sharply. Kieran had been right. It wasn’t pretty. 

The rips in his skin had been torn open once again during the fighting, coating him in a mix of fresh and dried blood, almost identical to the scene in her mud room. Lauren cleared her throat, trying not to show the shock on her face. She really had expected it to look better. 

“It’s not that bad,” Kieran said, and Lauren relaxed ever so slightly. That hadn’t been a lie.

“Let me dress it—”

Kieran turned around taking her hands into his casually, but still, it made Lauren’s heart leap. “After I’ve showered, you can do whatever you want with me.”

Perhaps Lauren would have flushed had she not spent so much time around him, but she simply nodded. She raised his hands carefully, pressing a kiss to the knuckles of each one, and then, she dropped his hands, reaching forward on her tiptoes to press a light kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Thank you.” She pulled back lightly, and Kieran stilled, their eyes meeting over the space they’d set between each other, the sound of the shower the only thing filling the silence. 

And then Lauren was surging forward and his lips were on hers, hands tangling up in hair, breath mingling as she pressed him back against the countertop and he fell easily, hands falling down to press in the small of her back. His cold lips parted, drawing her against him and Lauren’s arms wrapped back around his neck. He spun, pressing her between him and the wall. Lauren had always wondered what it would feel like, their lips pressed together, a clash of lips and tongues and hands tangled in hair and clothes, but it was a great deal better than she had even imagined. He was a great deal better. 

Kieran pulled back momentarily and opened his mouth to say something, but she had waited so long for this. His tangent could wait until after. Lauren shook her head sharply, her hands locking behind his neck, the beginnings of a smile teasing at the corner of her mouth. “Shut up.” For once, he actually seemed content to listen. 

Kieran’s hands hooked underneath her, lifting her onto the counter and Lauren nearly scolded him for it before his lips were on hers again and she had lost all sense of protest. Kieran’s hands closed on her hips, crushing her beneath his touch as if he were determined to make her whimper. It would only be fair to return the favor. Lauren bit down sharply on his lip, immediately drawing blood and Kieran groaned against her. His hand slid up her bare leg, and her head rocked back, his lips making quick work of the newly exposed skin. She bit back a groan, pulling his lips up to hers once again. Her hands smeared across the fresh blood on his back and her breath caught, causing Kieran to pull back sharply as if he had been abruptly sobered, his hands moving to cup her arms.

“Are you—”

Lauren spoke before he’d even asked the question. “I’m fine.”

Kieran seemed to relax slightly, and he nodded once.

Lauren suddenly became acutely aware of the running water, and of the fact she had just kissed him. She swallowed hard, slipping off the counter and landing lightly on her feet, willing her eyes not to fall to his lips where she knew she had left a mark. “You should shower, before you run out of hot water.” 

For someone who had made jokes nonstop, his face was awfully red. He nodded once, hard, tearing his eyes from hers. 

Lauren pulled back carefully, catching a glimpse of his back in the mirror, blood smeared over it, and now on her hands and nearly scowled. “Don’t take too long,”

Kieran cleared his throat, quickly regaining his easy swagger. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Lauren sat at the counter, legs crossed on the seat beneath her as she nursed her tea, breathing hard. She had washed her hands quickly, her mind buzzing, heart pounding in her chest. She nearly thought she’d imagined it, that it had simply been an effect of the shock, her imagination running wild— but sure enough, when she touched her lips, they were still tingling, as were the spots on her neck and jaw. 

She reached up lightly and touched her neck, remembering the way his hand had slid up her leg and flushed deeply, dropping her hand quickly.  
Lauren shook the thoughts from her mind, eyes scanning the apartment for anything she could possibly find to distract herself. Lauren paused. The door he had firmly locked when she had spent the night here months prior, was now propped open. 

Lauren swallowed hard. Glancing between the bathroom and the door. She stood quickly, making up her mind. 

She reached over to the record player, turning up the volume dial slowly before she righted herself and moved forward into the room, pushing the door open. 

She reached forward, turning the lamp on, and the room burst to life with light and feeling. Lauren had never seen so much art in her life, and she stepped back in awe, spinning in a small slow circle as she allowed herself to take it all in. 

Each inch of the room was covered in paper, drawings of animals and lakes, mountains and the countryside— there were children playing, and then there were Will and Kym, bickering and grinning, plastered to these walls. Lauren couldn’t help herself from reaching out and touching the paper, nor could she stop the small grin on her parted lips as she glanced over these freeze-frames of their lives. There was Lila, offering Lukas coffee, and the small semblance of a smile he reserved only for her, because Lila could make anyone smile. 

And there was Lauren. 

Every foot of this room held her in some way, the quiet moments she was sure no one was watching, moments that she had thought he had long forgotten. Her, smiling softly, and her, brow furrowed. She had never felt more beautiful than looking at her through Kieran’s eyes. 

“So, you finally caved.”

Lauren jumped, and whirled around, hand flying to where her gun would have rested on her hip should she have been in her uniform. 

Kieran leaned against the doorway, hair still wet, barefoot with a towel thrown over his shoulder, sporting an amused grin, wet hair loose around his shoulders. 

Lauren swallowed hard. He had specifically told her not to snoop through his things the last time she’d been here. “I—It was unlocked—” she began, but he dismissed her with a wave of his hand, kicking off the door and stepping into the small room casually. 

“I know, I left it unlocked.” 

Lauren’s brow furrowed, watching him as he stalked forward, idly picking up a pencil off the desk and twirling it between his fingers. “I knew if I left it cracked you’d snoop.”

Lauren crossed her arms firmly over her chest. “Do you really have so little faith in me?”

He raised a brow, gesturing around the room and Lauren glanced away from him bashfully. Kieran laughed out loud, filling the small room with the honeyed sound. “You’re a detective, Lauren, you can’t help it.”

“Officer,” she corrected, and Kieran scoffed, turning around and leaning back against the desk. 

“But you’re a detective by heart.”

Lauren glanced up to him, her heart swelling as her eyes landed on him. They stared at each other across the space between them in the room. Lauren could feel her cheeks reddening, remembering the way his hand had felt sliding up her leg, and she quickly tore her gaze from him. She could feel Kieran’s eyes on her still, clearly smirking as though he could read her mind. 

“You asked why I didn’t kill you? This is why,” he gestured to the room, filled with drawings of her, trodding towards her. “you gave me back my passion for life. You made me remember who I was before all of this.”

Kieran stopped before her, his hands reaching forward, carting through her still-damp hair as he grinned down at her. He smiled lightly at her. “Damned pensive eyes.”

Lauren choked out a laugh, her hand falling to grab his gently. She cleared her throat sharply, pushing the hair out of her face, quickly steering the subject. “Come on now, let me dress your back.”

Kieran nodded without an ounce of protest, leading her to the kitchen where he produced a well-worn first aid kit. Lauren took it from him, shoving him down onto the chair. She made quick work of his shirt, discarding it on the ground and propping the first aid kit open. Kieran relaxed on the chair, his feet propped up on the stool footrest, elbows resting on his knees. She threaded the needle quickly, trying not to pay attention to how little thread was left on the spool. Most people hadn’t even removed it from its packaging, and it was clear that this was far from his first time using it. 

She had done stitches dozens of times, learned to suture up others, and how to do vital things on herself. She was taught to be quick, but she couldn’t help the cautiousness as she steadied her hand against him, and began to thread the needle through his skin. She steadied her breaths, pulling the torn skin back together. 

Kieran had been right, the wounds weren’t nearly as bad as they’d seemed before the shower. They were clean now, and being properly tended to. Lauren couldn’t help but note her shaking hands. That was perhaps the last thing she needed right now, but if she were careful enough—

Kieran flinched and shouted, and Lauren nearly dropped the needle, stammering out a quick apology, and then Kieran was laughing, clearly pleased with himself. Lauren took a step back, all sense of care falling as she glowered at him. She had been tricked. 

He peered over his shoulder at her, still sporting his heart-warming smile. “Would you relax? You’re not going to hurt me.”

Lauren huffed, doing her damndest not to crack a grin, and crossed one arm under her chest, holding the needle firmly with the other. “I may just do it on purpose if you don’t behave.”

Kieran stifled another laugh, raising his hands in innocence. “Whatever you have to do, Officer.”

Lauren rolled her eyes, and continued to stitch the skin. But as she turned back to her work, her lightheartedness quickly dispersed. It was easy to forget about their situation when they were both laughing, but their predicament was still there. 

“Kieran?”

“Hm?” 

Lauren swallowed hard, her unoccupied hand roaming over the skin between the marks on his back, ignoring the shudders that it produced. “Do you think they’ll do this to you again?”

Kieran stilled, and Lauren could almost imagine his eyes dulling. Still, he nodded. “Probably.”

“So, how do we stop ‘em?”

Kieran glanced back at her over his shoulder, raising an impudent brow. “We?”

“We,” Lauren confirmed. “Unless, that is, you don’t want me helping you?”

Kieran turned back around, kneading his cheek between his teeth. “I don’t want you in danger.”

Lauren pulled at his stitching, perhaps a little harder than necessary. “And have you ever thought that perhaps that goes both ways!”

Kieran winced, his back straightening abruptly as he cursed under his breath, shooting a glare at her. “Alright, point taken.”

Lauren sighed, continuing to thread the stitches. ”You didn’t answer me.”

“I don’t know how,” he whispered, “we’ll figure something out. We always do.”

Lauren tied off the thread as she finished the last one, snipping it off before she stepped back to admire her work. He looked better, immensely better. Lauren reached forward, running her thumb over the delicate stitching and he shudder under her touch, glancing back towards her. 

“Yeah,” she whispered. Lauren stalked around to the front of him, and she crouched before him between his legs. She reached forward, smoothing his hair back as if she could smooth away his worries with it. “And we always will.”

Kieran smiled down at her, his hand moving to cup her cheek. 

“Promise me,” Lauren whispered, holding him tightly, “when this is all over, we’ll go on a big vacation somewhere, far, far away. Just the two of us.”

Kieran chuckled lightly, almost if he understood her meaning. Lauren hadn’t said it back. Not out loud. But one didn’t exactly plan a future with someone they didn’t want to keep forever. “If both of us aren’t hanged? I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

She smiled, and then moved forward, pressing her lips to his lightly, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her forward onto his lap. 

Lauren wasn’t sure how likely that was, but at least it hadn’t been a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THATS A WRAP!!!! 😌✨ this fic got so much more traction than I expected and I am so so grateful. Thank you for everyone who hung on for the long haul and thank you so much for all the support and comments!! It really means the world. I’ll see y’all in my next lauki brainrotting episode 😁😁 
> 
> Twitter: @/nolsnuggets

**Author's Note:**

> uHhh I’ve never done this before so I hope you enjoyed🤲 I’m working on getting the next chapter up within the next week or so if all goes well with school :D feel free to follow me on Twitter @/nolsnuggets for updates or if you’d like to chat! <33


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